You May Bow
by Phil D. Hernandez
Summary: What if Joxer really had become the God of War? Based on Ten Little Warlords. Part of the Outside the Lines series.
1. Act One

YOU MAY BOW **  
by Phil D. Hernández**

GENRES: _Xena: Warrior Princess,_ comedy. **VIOLENCE:** Joxer turns the tables on Gabrielle. **SEX:** Two characters are spanked. Some people regard this as a turn-on. You make the call. **LANGUAGE:** Clean. **RATING:** PG-13. **SUBTEXT:** Bah! None. **SPOILERS:** Ten Little Warlords. **NOTICE TO JOXERPHOBES:** There's a special place in Tartarus reserved just for you, where you have to watch For Him the Bell Tolls over and over for all eternity. Ha-HA!

****

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:   
Xena Warrior Princess, currently in the body of her worst enemy, Callisto  
Gabrielle the Bard of Poteidaia, Xena's best friend  
Joxer the Mighty, would-be warrior  
Ares former God of War, currently a mortal  
Sisyphus former King of Corinth, running out of the time he borrowed from Hades

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This story is part of the **Outside the Lines** series. It presents an alternate ending to the second-season episode Ten Little Warlords, and diverges from the broadcast Xenaverse at that point.  
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*********  
**ACT ONE  
***********

Joxer finally discovered the source of the monstrous growling that he and his friend Gabrielle had heard ever since they arrived on the island where Sisyphus, the former magician-king of Corinth, was playing his deadly game with Xena, Warrior Princess, and a number of other famous warlords in the castle above.  
There it was, seeming to fill the tunnel with its leering, Gorgon-like face and whirling teeth like blades ready to chop him up into bite-size chunks suitable for Joxer stew. On the other hand, it wasn't moving toward him, and it didn't look like it could maneuver in the confined space. That was because Joxer wasn't facing a monster but part of an elaborate ventilation system that kept the castle's air fresh. He was still inexperienced enough not to know the difference.  
Now I've got you, he announced with full confidence, and reached for the hilts of –  
My sword! he wailed. Gabrielle had taken it from him earlier. The bard was filled with an uncharacteristic bloodlust, which luckily she had decided to take out on the monster' she had not yet found. In her clearer moments when she wasn't reciting the poem Elysian Fields' or complaining about Joxer, his voice, the noise he made, his face or anything else about him that annoyed her – which seemed to be everything – she had explained that it was due to the fact that Ares, the God of War, had lost his godhead. Consequently, ordinary people could not control their anger. Joxer himself had lost his temper with her despite his long practice in holding back certain emotions lest his father or his brother the assassin beat him. Gabrielle's incessant complaints eventually wore him down, for he could not simply grab her and shake her until she caught herself, as Xena could.  
Knowing that Gabrielle was only a short distance behind him, Joxer cast about for something that he could use as a weapon. Then he saw it: a stark blade, not overly ornate but with gold on its hilts and decorated with a large ruby, red as blood. It appeared to be newly forged, yet Joxer felt it had also seen much use. The sword leaned against a nearby rock as if inviting Joxer to take it. He did not question its presence.  
That'll do, he remarked, and hefted the weapon. It was perfectly balanced and fitted his hand as if it had been made for him. Charging the ventilation fan, he shouted taunts at it while striking blow after blow with his new sword. The blade cut through stone, wood and metal with equal efficacy. Several pieces fouled the mechanism, and it ground to a halt with a sickly gurgle.  
Gabrielle now ran into the chamber, her eyes wild, Joxer's sword in her hand, and took in the situation at a glance.  
That's _it? _ That's the monster? she cried, frustrated.  
Yes! And I have slain it! Me: Joxer the Mighty!  
Joxer raised his arm and displayed the weapon he had found with as much pride in its ownership as in his achievement. At that moment the sword began to glow with a golden light. Crackles of electricity escaped its edges and tip. The light and the electricity engulfed Joxer, who did not appear to be harmed by them.  
Then he _changed.  
_ At first it seemed that only his clothing was affected. The conical helmet with the wicker lining transformed into an Attic-style helmet, golden with a red horsehair plume such as a Roman might wear. Gone was the shaggy tunic, replaced by a shirt of the finest and softest white cloth. His trousers were now a rust-brown leather, and the flattened sieve that served as a breastplate became a golden cuirass.  
The man was as changed as the clothes. Joxer's muscles filled out. His pasty skin took on a healthy glow. His brown eyes were brighter and a touch more intelligent. Indeed, he looked more serious – and handsome, too.  
Simultaneously, the bard changed also, but this change was slight by comparison, and more natural. Her wildness disappeared and she regained control of herself, though under the circumstances it was not surprising that she did not calm down as much as might be expected.  
she whispered.

*****

Above them in the castle proper, Xena and Ares had just finished fighting off – and killing – the last of the eight warlords who were competing with them for the symbol of Ares's godhead. They were no closer to finding it, however, than when they had joined in the deadly game of Sisyphus.  
That worthy now appeared amid the carnage, completely undisturbed by the bodies around him. Some were neatly laid out on a low dais; three were sprawled in grotesque positions, blood still sluggishly flowing from their mortal wounds. Sisyphus's hands appeared from the sleeves of his Oriental-style robes. He applauded the survivors.  
Nicely done, he approved. Now, Xena, all you have to do is kill Ares and you can claim his sword – and his godhead.  
Don't do it, Ares said. He's lying.  
You would know, agreed the Warrior Princess. Besides, the sword isn't here. I'm willing to bet our esteemed host has a few tricks up his sleeve to kill us off so he wins his life back from Hades.  
Perhaps Sisyphus did, but before he could reply to Xena, he cried out in pain. Flames engulfed him, and his body burned so completely that a few seconds later nothing remained of him, not even ashes.  
Someone's claimed my sword! Ares shouted in despair.  
But who else is here? Xena wondered. Did somebody stay behind when the boat left with the servants?   
I don't know, but I have a bad feeling about this, the former God of War told her. Then he pressed his hand to his forehead. With any luck, your little friend followed you here and _she_ has it.  
They began to search the castle.

*****

That's Joxer, _God of War!_ the transformed man declared.  
You couldn't possibly be the God of War, Gabrielle replied with contempt, though she was somewhat awestruck by the sight of him. You don't even know how to be a warrior.  
It was a mistake. For a moment Joxer registered a human look of unhappiness, but then fire flashed in his eyes. That's it, he said evenly. I'm tired of being picked on and laughed at and beaten up and shoved off to one side.  
He grabbed the now thoroughly frightened Gabrielle by the shoulders and spun her around, catching her by the belt and the back of her bilious green top. As she squeaked in dismay, he sat down on a rock and bent Gabrielle over his knee.  
Joxer! OW! What do you – OW! – think you're – OW! – doing? she squealed while he repeatedly swatted her posterior.  
Spanking you, he answered. There was no leer in his voice, which fact was more humiliating to Gabrielle than the actual spanking. She could understand him treating her like a trollop, not that she liked the idea, but he was punishing her as one might punish a misbehaving child. In short, he was treating her the way she often treated him.  
Though the bard gritted her teeth, little yelps kept escaping her lips. She squirmed, but he held her down too forcefully to permit her escape.  
Turn me – OW! – loose, or I'll – OW!  
Or you'll what? I'm a god now. You want me to spank you on your _bare_ bottom?  
Gabrielle subsided before Joxer decided to carry out this threat. Satisfied that he had made his point, he stopped spanking the bard and stood her on her feet. She rubbed her sore buttocks and glared at him.  
You knew I couldn't control myself, Gabrielle complained.  
You're right: it wasn't your fault _then,_ Joxer agreed. But you were in control when you made that last crack. And what about all the other times?  
Well, if you'd act your age  
Like you do?  
That stung Gabrielle, and she automatically reached for Joxer's nose. She never touched it. With a simple gesture he rendered her motionless, an angry word frozen on her lips. The newly minted god gently lowered Gabrielle's arm.  
I'm sorry for getting on your nerves, he said, and gestured again. The bard, continuing her interrupted motion, took a step forward before catching herself. Joxer offered.  
Gabrielle accepted. We still need to find Xena.

*****

Will you stop whining? Xena demanded. Ares had not ceased bemoaning the prospect of Gabrielle as the Goddess of War. If Gabrielle found the sword, she wouldn't have claimed it.  
Don't kid yourself, replied Ares. Power is irresistible. I heard what happened with the Titans. Can you imagine how many vicious wars that girl will start in the name of peace?  
The Warrior Princess rounded on Ares and pointed a finger at his face. Gabrielle is _not_ like that! If anyone can break the cycle of violence with the power of a god, she can.  
Tell it to Joxer, Ares sneered. Better yet, tell it to his nose. She's more likely to break _that_ than the cycle of violence.  
Xena grabbed Ares by the front of his tunic and pulled him close so he was forced to look at her snarling face and the ice in her blue eyes. Right now, Joxer would be better company than you.  
He gave her a nervous smile. Hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em.  
And they say kill the umpire,' too. She released Ares. How about helping me with this search? You should have some sort of affinity for your sword.  
No more than you do, he denied. Now that it's been claimed, I really am just another mortal.  
Which made him less than useless, Xena knew. The former God of War was unused to relying on mortal senses. While he would eventually adjust, it would take time that Xena could not afford if they were to find the sword and its new owner before both moved out of Xena's reach. The difficulty lay in the fact that Sisyphus had many traps in his castle. Some of these Sisyphus preferred to activate himself, and so were likely inert, but others could be set off by an incautious footfall or an inadvertent movement. The Warrior Princess could focus on her surroundings and sense tiny differences in air flow, the sound of footfalls or the appearance of seemingly identical stones and thus avoid the traps. Ares could not, at least not until he got used to his mortality, and in any event Xena had received training from sources outside even Ares's long experience.  
They moved carefully through the dark halls, seeking the passages underneath. Though the sound of the monster' had stopped, Xena had a fair idea of its general direction. Each step was a tricky one, as the two flickering torches they carried altered the patterns of light and shadow thrown out from the fitful sconces on the walls. However, there were no mishaps. The Warrior Princess slowed them down even further when she found a staircase leading up. She raised a hand to stop Ares. Then she examined the bottom of the stairs without setting foot on the spot. After a moment she straightened up, satisfied.  
This will get us there faster, Xena said.  
You mean these steps turn into a slide like the other ones did?  
Yes. There's a trap door at the bottom. She pointed at the spot in front of her. I don't hear or smell anything nasty, so this should put us in the tunnels below.  
Ares was skeptical about that. The last such slide deposited him in a place between a fire and a moving wall of spikes. How can you be so sure? What if it leads to a blind pit?  
It might, Xena admitted, but that wasn't his style. Sisyphus had a thing for secret passages. Not to mention going up to go down. Now do as I do. She began to ascend the staircase walking backwards.  
After giving Xena a puzzled look, Ares shrugged and also climbed the stairs in reverse. Shortly afterwards he was grateful for Xena's prudence, for when the stairs collapsed into the inevitable slide, he and Xena slid on their buttocks as effortlessly as children in a twentieth-century playground. It was a long slide.

*****

Gabrielle hated to admit it, but she was lost. Even worse, she was also forced to admit that she was too stubborn to ask for Joxer's help. The new God of War, however, did not gloat over the bard's predicament, contenting himself with lighting some of the darker passages with little flames from his fingertips. Indeed, this seemed to fascinate him, as did the other powers he was beginning to discover. Gabrielle could at least be grateful that he was not experimenting on her. Those brief seconds of total paralysis had been bad enough; what if he had not been able to release her?  
The bard finally steeled herself to speak to him. Aren't you concerned about how we're going to get out of here? she asked.  
he replied. Xena's on her way to us.  
You can tell? I know, you're a god Her singsong voice trailed off.  
Even when I wasn't a god, I knew how to find you guys. I think it's 'cause you're the first friends I ever had. Anyway, now I can _feel_ Xena. I can't tell you how, I just do. I feel you the same way. It's a good feeling. I'm sorry I spanked you, Gabby. You've been through a lot lately: losing Perdicas, seeing Xena in Callisto's body, putting up with me on that long boat ride  
Gabrielle touched Joxer's forearm. It wasn't as bad as putting up with me.  
Maybe not. You wanna tweak my nose?  
You wouldn't feel it, Gabrielle said. I accept your apology. Maybe I haven't been as good a friend as I should, but you were right about me being through a lot.  
you're saying you're my friend? Joxer asked tentatively.  
the bard replied, smiling one of those smiles she reserved for the people she liked the most. We're friends – but _just_ friends, right?  
Joxer looked so pathetically grateful that Gabrielle elected to hug him, too. It worked, and Joxer seemed to relax.  
Okay. I guess we could wait here, she suggested, if that will help. We can decide what to do when Xena shows up.  
Take two steps to the left, Joxer advised.  
  
If you don't, Xena's gonna show up on top of you.  
That made sense, and it made even more sense when Gabrielle heard a rumbling above her head. The bard stepped aside, and in due course Xena dropped from a hole that opened up in the ceiling. The Warrior Princess landed on her feet, but Ares was not so lucky.  
OW! I think I broke my coccyx, he declared.  
That sounds obscene, Joxer observed.  
He means his tailbone, Gabrielle explained.  
Ares has a tail? Joxer asked.  
Ares groaned.  
Never mind, sighed Gabrielle.  
What are you two doing here? Xena asked.  
I was angry because you left me behind, the bard told her, so I followed you to give you a piece of my mind. I made Joxer help me with the boat.  
It figures, said Xena. Did you see anyone else?  
No, just me and Joxerand you two. Gabrielle had an idea where this was going, and began to blush a pretty shade of pink.  
Gabrielle, you didn't claim the sword of Ares, did you?  
The bard blushed redder. she said in a very small voice.  
  
Joxer did.  
Meet the new God of War, Joxer announced. You may bow.  
Oh, no! moaned Ares. He's even worse than Gabrielle!  
Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer all turned sour looks on Ares. Don't pick on my friend, Joxer ordered. I happen to think very highly of her.  
This surprised Gabrielle, especially given Joxer's usual behavior toward her. Xena merely raised an eyebrow; she was aware that Joxer cared about Gabrielle but had not expected him to say it. Ares, however, greeted the statement with open derision, his eyes crinkling with amusement.  
If a dork like you thinks highly of Gabrielle, he laughed, what does that say about her?  
Gabrielle gave Ares a contemptuous smirk.  
Now be a good boy and give me back my sword, okay? Ares continued.  
You want my sword? Joxer asked in a deceptively sweet voice. Gabrielle hid a smile behind her hand, for that was the tone she used when she was about to inflict pain on Joxer.  
That's right, I want the sword, Ares thundered. It's not yours, it's mine. You didn't expect to _stay_ the God of War, did you?  
Of course I did. Why should I let people like you bully me around? You want my sword? he repeated. You'll get it, all right.  
With that, Joxer seized Ares as effortlessly as he had seized Gabrielle and turned him over his knee. Ares cried in dismay.  
Joxer drew his sword.  
Don't kill him! Gabrielle pleaded.  
Xena raised a hand in a stop' gesture. There's no turning back if you do it, Joxer. You're not a killer.  
Who said anything about killing him? Joxer replied. He then proceeded to wallop the ex-God of War with the flat of the blade.  
Hey! OW! Nobody paddles the God of War! OWWW! Ares yelled.  
You're not the God of War any more, Gabrielle giggled. Joxer is.  
With an effort, Xena controlled her own amusement at Ares's plight. You shouldn't laugh, Gabrielle. It isn't funny when a god humiliates a mortal.  
No, I suppose not, the bard conceded. Joxer, why did you use your hand on me and your sword on him?  
You let Joxer spank you? asked Xena in total disbelief.  
I didn't have much choice, Gabrielle said. But he apologized, so I forgave him.  
I'm not touching Ares's butt with my hand! Joxer protested. Besides, I didn't want to hurt you, Gabby, just teach you a lesson.  
I learned my lesson! OW! cried Ares. I learned my lesson!  
Then apologize to Gabrielle, Joxer directed. He allowed Ares to raise his head so he could address the bard.  
I'm very sorry, Gabrielle, Ares said in a grudging, singsong voice that showed that he wasn't sorry at all, if I insulted you.  
Joxer was not satisfied, but Gabrielle put a hand on his shoulder. she told him. I accept, she said to Ares.  
You're lucky, snarled the new God of War to his predecessor. Joxer released Ares, whereupon the latter scrambled away to the relative safety of a natural pillar in the cavern. Joxer sheathed his sword.

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**END OF ACT ONE  
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**__**

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:  
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of USA Network and Renaissance Pictures. Settings and dialogue from Ten Little Warlords are © 1996 by Universal Pictures and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2003 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.


	2. Act Two

YOU MAY BOW  
**by Phil D. Hernández**

***********  
**ACT TWO  
*************

Xena broke the uneasy silence that followed. Ares isn't exactly Mister Tactful,' but he's right about one thing. You have to give up the sword and become mortal again.  
Joxer looked the Warrior Princess in the eye, but there was no condescension in her words. She spoke to him as to an equal, something she rarely did, and it calmed him down.  
he said seriously. Before I met you and Gabrielle, everybody pushed me around like I was worse than dirt. Even you guys push me around sometimes.  
We do, Xena admitted. There isn't always time to be nice, especially when you're full of yourself. And don't deny it. But I meant it when I said you have a good heart. You want to help, and you _have_ helped. Like when you tried to rescue me and Gabrielle from Callisto.  
So why did you have me guard a dock that didn't need guarding? Joxer snapped.  
So you wouldn't be killed. The warlords who came here with me and Ares are dead. You wouldn't have survived the crossing. But you did help me convince them that I was Callisto.  
Xena didn't bring me here either, Gabrielle added in support of her best friend, and for the same reason.  
The power you hold is too great for mortals. I couldn't handle it, the Warrior Princess continued. I couldn't handle even ordinary power. It starts when you think you're helping your friends, but you end up hurting everybody. I don't want to see that good heart of yours poisoned with anger and bloodlust.  
Aw, Xena, I could be a good god, suggested Joxer. I'll prove it to you. I'll get you your body back.  
No, _DON'T!_ Gabrielle cried out, but too late. Joxer raised a hand in the air. Light was drawn to it, and when the glow became too bright for human eyes to bear, he released the light. It filled the tunnel as though a miniature sun had been brought there, then faded.  
The three mortals blinked a few times to clear their vision. Xena's body was not there. They looked at each other, then down at themselves. Two of them raised their heads slowly, expressions of horror starting to spread on their faces. The third was in Callisto's body, but there was no horror, no surprise, and no madness in the brown eyes.  
Nope, no change, Xena said.  
That's what you think, came a masculine growl full of overtones of frustration. The well-muscled man with flowing black hair to match his flowing muscles charged Joxer. I'm gonna KILL him!  
The other woman began to whimper. It's bad enough to have to listen to the irritating blonde, but to _be_ the irritating blonde?  
Joxer had caused Gabrielle and Ares to switch bodies.  
Knowing that physical attacks were futile, Xena caught Gabrielle by the shoulder and held her (or was it him?) back. Joxer, give Ares back his sword, the Warrior Princess said in an even voice stripped of emotion.  
No, wait, he replied, holding up his hands in dismay. I can get this right. The light flashed again.  
This time, three women glared at Joxer when their sight cleared. Xena's body at least was back, but there was a softness behind the steel-blue eyes. He pointed at her.  
  
No kidding, said the bard in Xena's body.  
The finger slowly moved until it was pointing at Gabrielle's body.  
declared Joxer. He pushed his lower lip against the upper, showing his own frustration.  
_Now_ will you listen to me? Xena asked, exasperated. That had better not be Callisto back in her body.  
It isn't, the third woman, who was Ares, sighed. From one irritating blonde to the other. At least this is a fighting woman's body.  
And what's that supposed to mean? Gabrielle snapped.  
Give it a rest, Gabrielle, said Xena. She turned to look at Joxer again, and she did not like the goofy smile he was beginning to make. Don't even _think_ it, Joxer.  
Too late. The smile became a smirk. I already did. Hey, I'd love to have you three lovely ladies be the first in my harem, but it wouldn't be right. I mean, Xena, you look great, but you're not my – I'm not your type. Gabbyyou're not that type. As for you, Aresyecch. Too weird. I'm a god. I should have goddesses all over me, like Aphrodite.  
Ares folded his (her?) hands over his midriff to keep from doubling over with laughter.  
Forget it, Xena advised. Even if Aphrodite were interested, which I doubt, you'd only be a cheap fling for her.  
And Hephaestus can be very jealous, Ares added, catching fitful breaths amid her (his?) mirth. I ought to know. He chained me up with Aphrodite in bed once.  
Joxer mused.  
Gabrielle said through gritted teeth, give Ares the sword so we can get this over with!  
I have to get it right first, the new God of War insisted. You expect me to screw up, don't you? Well, I'm not gonna screw up!  
You've screwed up twice already, Xena pointed out.  
That's because I'm still thinking like a mortal. I have to think like the new Joxer.  
Whatever _that_ is, Ares muttered.  
I heard that, Joxer said.  
Then think, Xena told him. You don't have to prove your friendship. There's no reason for you to show off by giving us our bodies back. It's as easy as giving Ares the sword. He'll do the rest.  
What if he doesn't? He swapped you with Callisto in the first place, the would-be God of War reminded her. You were gonna fry in Tartarus while she killed Argo, and destroyed Gabby, and the gods know what else! Maybe you'd rather trust Ares than me, but I won't trust him.  
Xena had no answer to that. Joxer was right. Ares _was_ untrustworthy.  
I trust you, Gabrielle said unexpectedly. She had figured it out: Joxer needed to prove himself to himself, and he had to do it by himself. You said you had a feel for me and Xena. Use that, she suggested.  
What about me? Ares complained.  
Live with it, Joxer replied.  
Give him his body back, the bard said. I don't want to be reminded of Callisto any more.  
Joxer's humanity was still strong. He and Gabrielle may have fought the way rival siblings do, but they had never been malicious about it. And as with rival siblings, Joxer took personally any hurt to Gabrielle. When Callisto murdered Gabrielle's husband Perdicas, Joxer swore vengeance. Joxer's vengeance was not something to fear, but the fact that he would use such small skills as he possessed on Gabrielle's behalf had earned him Gabrielle's friendship – and Xena's, too.  
Okay, Gabrielle. Let me focus. Joxer closed his eyes, but did not scrunch his face the way he usually did when thinking hard. Instead, he was calm, almost serene.  
Xena cocked her head, the long strawberry blonde tresses – Gabrielle's, of course – falling over one breast. She felt the probing mental force and allowed herself a tight smile. Having been in other bodies the longest, the Warrior Princess was beginning to recognize the sensations that led to a change. Though her mind screamed within her to try and stop Joxer, her instincts told her to follow Gabrielle's lead.  
That same force, now that Gabrielle had time to think about it, made the bard feel uncomfortable. It was too intimate for her. The only person she wanted to be that intimate with was Perdicas. She had come to terms with his death and would go on with her life, but she still missed him badly. There was no threat in Joxer's probe, however. Gabrielle quickly realized that it was the equivalent of a blind sculptor touching her so he could reproduce her accurately.  
Ares endured the experience with a sour look on Callisto's heart-shaped face. He, at least, could get some satisfaction in the thought that Joxer liked it less than he did.  
Still concentrating, Joxer raised his hands above his head and spread out his fingers. Once more the glow appeared, jumping from fingertip to fingertip, but it wasn't it wasn't as flashy or as blinding as before. When it was over, the bodies that stood before him were those of Xena, Gabrielle and Ares. Joxer opened his eyes and nodded in satisfaction.  
Gabrielle patted her bare midriff and smiled. I knew you could do it, she said.  
About time, Ares snarled. Now give me my sword.  
Xena said.  
the former God of War screamed. After you told him  
The smile drained from Gabrielle's face. Was that Callisto in Xena's body?  
Xena continued, you swear, Ares, that you will not punish Joxer for what happened to you today. Then you get your sword back.  
I'm not giving up the sword, Joxer denied.  
And I'm not swearing anything, Ares said.  
You swear by the River Styx, or stay a mortal and rot, Xena declared.  
Now Gabrielle could relax. Callisto couldn't care less about what happened to Joxer, but Xena wasn't that sort even when giving Joxer the brush-off.  
Ares set his mouth in a line and stared into Xena's eyes. It availed him naught. As a god he could not stare down Xena; as a mortal – he broke off first.  
I swear before Zeus and the other gods, with the River Styx as my witness, that I will not do anything to Joxer for claiming my sword, switching my body around or otherwise treating me badly, swore Ares.  
Or for spanking you, Xena added.  
The look on his face could have curdled water. Or for spanking me, Ares amended. Now Joxer was safe. The gods themselves did not dare to break an oath sworn on the Styx.  
I'm still not giving up the sword, Joxer said. I'm not going back to what I was!  
Then you'll lose the best part of who you are, Xena replied. As the God of War, you can't care about who gets hurt and who dies. You can't have any friends. You'll use people as pawns, just like Ares does. Like Callisto did to Gabrielle.  
Joxer's gaze shifted back to the bard. Again he probed her, and again Gabrielle displayed considerable discomfort. He was looking into places that even she did not want to visit. Acknowledging her unhappy expression, Joxer nodded but continued his examination. Since Gabrielle had already declared that she trusted him, she gave him the benefit of the doubt. Joxer did not disappoint her.  
You're a fool, Ares, he told him. All you ever see in Gabrielle is a silly little peasant girl. Even the old me knew better. She's smart, she's resourceful, and she's tougher than she knows. Xena's letting Gabrielle live to her full potential. That's bad for you, but by the time you figure out why, she'll be as good as Xena and you'll never beat her.  
Being a god hasn't made you any smarter, Ares sneered, but both the Warrior Princess and the bard looked at Joxer with new respect.  
The former would-be warrior shrugged off the snide remark. Gabby, even as a god I'm not good enough for you, but you don't need a boyfriend right now. What I really want to do is to go to Hades and trade this creep for Perdicas. Joxer jerked a thumb at Ares, who turned white with sudden fear. But it wouldn't stop there.  
No, it wouldn't, Gabrielle replied in a soft, subdued voice.  
Before I give Ares his sword back, I want you to promise that if anything ever happens to Xena, _you_ won't turn into a monster.  
The bard was taken aback. She had made Xena make a similar promise not so long ago. Joxer, how can youI promise, Gabrielle agreed.  
Joxer said. Taking the sword, he reversed it and presented the hilts to Ares. The latter grabbed for it as greedily as a baby might grab a piece of candy.  
And you called _me_ the fool? Ares crowed. He lifted the sword high and felt the red glow of power flow into him. At the same time, Joxer and his equipment resumed their normal appearance. What kind of mortal gives up godhead?  
The best kind, Xena answered.  
Being a mortal hasn't made _you_ any smarter, Gabrielle observed. Didn't you learn anything, Ares?  
pain, fear, hunger, thirst, seasicknessyou can keep it.  
What about happiness and friendship? Joxer asked.  
Or love and peace? Gabrielle added.  
The only true peace is in the grave, Ares replied. Love? Aphrodite's a great roll in the hay, I'll admit, but love will never rule the world.  
Xena shook her head. You'd be surprised. I guess you've dished out too much suffering to take it.  
That's the reason Joxer gave the sword back, Gabrielle said. He's been hurt too many times. He won't hurt others.  
He's a loser, the God of War sneered. You two deserve each other. With that, he waved his hand in dismissal. Electricity rimmed his figure, and when it faded he was gone.  
Joxer sat down heavily on a rock and hung his head. I know I did the right thing, so why do I feel so miserable?  
Because for the first time in your life, nobody could push you around, Xena told him, and you think you've lost that.  
Gabrielle put a hand on Joxer's shoulder. You're not a loser. You never were. So what if you're not a mighty warrior? When you put your life on the line, that made you good enough for me.  
The would-be warrior looked up in surprise. But Perdicas  
I will always love Perdicas and I will always miss him. Like you said, I don't need a boyfriend now, but I'll always need friends like you and Xena. The smile on Gabrielle's face broadened into a grin. The happy memories of her late husband returned, comforting her even as she comforted Joxer. Perdicas grew up, you know. If you do, Joxer She suddenly blushed and fell silent.  
What Gabrielle means, Xena explained, is when she does want a boyfriend she won't forget the man who was willing to go to Hades and bring Perdicas back.  
Gabrielle blushed even redder. So did Joxer.  
I don't know about you, the Warrior Princess said, but I'd like to get out of these tunnels and into a hot bath. Come on, Gabrielle, let's find that boat of yours. 

  


*****  


Later, when they were walking along the beach and Joxer pushed past them to run toward the boat, Xena gave Gabrielle a quizzical look.  
Are you sure you wanted to encourage him like that? the Warrior Princess asked.  
I'm sure. Whatever happens, I want Joxer to live up to his full potential, too. I remember you took a chance on a silly little peasant girl once.  
Which I will never, ever regret, Xena said.  
Arms around each other's waists, they continued on, chuckling every time Joxer tripped and fell in the sand and surf. Someday he would learn to look where he was going, but today it didn't matter.  


**********  
**THE END  
************

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Disclaimer:  
No buttocks were harmed in the writing of this story. Ares's pride, however, took a serious hit.

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Episode references:  
Return of Callisto, Intimate Stranger and Ten Little Warlords.

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Author's notes:  
The penalty for breaking an oath sworn on the Styx was quite severe for a god: effectively ten years incommunicado and in solitary confinement, followed by another ten-year exile from Olympus. None of the gods ever broke such an oath.  
Aphrodite did cheat on Hephaestus by sleeping with Ares. Hephaestus made an unbreakable net, announced that he was going to one of his forges, returned to Olympus and set off the net trap when Aphrodite and Ares were in bed together. Only he could release them, which he did after Apollo and Hermes started to tease Hephaestus by suggesting that each would willingly take Ares's place.  
This story won the Golden Quill Award for Best Comedy of 2002-2003. (The Golden Quill Awards are for stories that feature Joxer or are at least friendly to him. Visit Yahoo! Groups for more details.)

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE:  
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of USA Network and Renaissance Pictures. Settings and dialogue from Ten Little Warlords are © 1996 by Universal Pictures and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2003 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

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Comments:  
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer, Ted Raimi or Gabrielle-Joxer romance, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at **BroadwayPhil@yahoo.com **.

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Additional stories:  
More stories can be found on the author's website, _The Subtlety of Pickett's Charge,_ at **** .


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